Pathfinder - Lanius

I was out hunting today when I came across a sight most odd. Several other people had struck down my prey before I could and were enjoying the catfish. A pack of semi intelligent locals appeared then, drawn to the scent of the kill and the elf was struck by one of their paralyzing spears. The dwarf in the group tossed this elf to the locals and the locals carried him off. The elf returned later, a bit annoyed, so all was well. I enjoyed a bit of the catfish that the group had killed as they told me their story.

It would appear that there are people inhabiting the elven city to the south once more, a lovely story if there ever was one and these people were on their way to conduct a ritual. I decided to join them and enjoyed a bit of an adventure with them on the way. There were two goblins with the group, one to conduct the ritual, the other to be the sacrifice for the ritual. Like most sacrifices that I have seen he was not happy about this but there was little he could do for he was missing quite a bit of his body.

There was a small side adventure when the two goblins got kidnapped but we easily retrieved them and then we went to the plane where the God of the Hunt resided. There were tracks of quite some size going one way so we went the other way and came across another party of explorers. It quickly came apparent that it would be in our best interests to work together and so we all set off to find this beast whose tracks we had seen earlier. The beast was quite intimidating and we lost all of the other party in the process but we ended up killing it. The dwarf scored a particularly great blow against it and the beast chased around the elf a lot.

We came back from the plane of the hunt only to find that the goblin shaman was dead and went in pursuit of the perpetrator. The four of us quickly came to a cave and after a compulsion place upon the entrance went into effect the other three ran away while I proved to be the only one able to resist it. Before fleeing however, the dwarf threw in an explosive and the hag living inside was not happy about this. She set snakes of some sort after the three fleeing but not I for I had hidden myself well after seeing what the dwarf was doing. They mostly got away, with only the dwarf being forced to take measures. He cut off his leg to escape the vines and then made quite a masterful peg leg to replace it. He states that he has plans to replace it with a axe.

I took a bit of time exploring the city then when we got back and have also been informed that a campaign will be happening into the hinterlands against the orcs. This is exciting news. I’ve always wished to do something about those orcs and now there is an imperial campaign that I can ride along with. It will be interesting to see how far we can get. Probably not very far with just these goblins but maybe there will be others along for the campaign. I have not been told much right now.

Book Review: The 100 Year Old Man who Climbed out the Window and Disappeared

This book follows two storylines and does it masterfully. The first story that the book follows is, as the title suggests, about a one hundred year old man who climbed out of his window and the resulting adventure. The second story of the book is the story of the his life and as the title says, once again, it has been a long one.

After escaping from the old person’s home that Allan was placed in because he blew up his house, he finds himself on a whirlwind adventure through the country of his birth, Sweden, due to his accidental theft of a briefcase holding fifty million in Swedish currency from a gang. Numerous adventures follow as the gang tries to catch up with Allan to get their money back. An odd array of characters are utilised for this story, as Allan’s current adventure gets wildly misconstrued by the police, wipes out a gang, helps others meet people they love, and heals bad family relationships.

The second story present in the book is split up into multiple parts and it starts with Allan’s childhood in Sweden. It is here that he picks up his skills with explosives as a young child while working for a local factory and it is this skill set that is the impetus for much of the story. It is this very skill set which is why he is asked to travel to his first destination in this story that is very similar to Forrest Gump. (Even the author agrees it is like Forrest Gump but instead he is an explosives expert and has no mental problems.) His story takes him all the way to Spain, the United States, China, the Himalayas, Iran, back to Sweden, the USSR, North Korea, Bali, France, the USSR again, and then back to Sweden which leads to the events of the first story.

Being a bit of a history freak I enjoyed the second story far more due to the amount of humor that was present in that story. Numerous important historical figures from the prior century are present in this tale and they are all used masterfully, in a very similar fashion to the ones in Forrest Gump, another great tale by the way.

If you have the time read this book.

Pathfinder - Ralen Bek

It was an interesting day to say the least. I received a notice from the people to the south for a bounty of two thousand gold in exchange for the proof of the death of one Lord Bearington, a bear who had cleverly disguised himself as a bear for many years. I agreed to go after it with the others and then I sent the dwarf to deal with a squatter problem. Somehow he did not kill them all and let them take up residence in the southern portion of the city.

With that dealt with the dwarf, the rogue, and I set off to deal with this Lord. There was a minor incident with some bounty hunters on the way there that caused us to become separated from the landshark. The bounty hunters were wiped out by Sprinkles. We tracked the bulette then and found him at a gnome residence. It had decided to eat their milking cow, an event which had put the family into a bit of a panic. We calmed down the bulette and the family of gnomes. The gnomes then decided to run away with their horse and carriage. The dwarf chased them on the bulette, lost control of the bulette again and it decided to eat the horse. The gnomes then fled on foot.

We rested for the night in the gnomes mostly ruined house. I awoke to find the house on fire and exited it to encounter a group of orcs from the south outside. We chatted and as they had the same goal as us we teamed up and headed west. The rest of the journey was easy with only a merchant being on the path heading the other way. We arrived at our destination and apparently decided to toss aside all attempts at strategy as we all just walked up to the castle.

The rogue vanished up the walls while the dwarf and I destroyed everything in our path, wiping out the gate guards and the courtyard guards. We entered the guardhouse to find the captain dead at the hands of some orc barbarian who we awoke and pointed towards our target. With the keys that we found in the guardhouse we gained access to the castle and found that the rogue had already been busy. Apparently he had slipped a hallucinogen into the drink of our target and he went on a killing spree then, a killing spree that his cousin joined in on.

I calmed down those that were still fighting and questioned Bearington’s cousin and the others as to what had happened. The rogue came down then and told us that Bearington was escaping on a griffon construct. I took to the sky and with two explosive arrows shot him down. We went back to the castle and after we went through the castle the rogue and the dwarf set it on fire.

They both jumped out of the castle as the fire had spread far faster than anticipated. The rogue was fine but the dwarf lost most of his beard and apparently the jewel that was making his beard alive as the castle soon staggered to life. The castle went on a killing rampage and we all ran away quickly.

Needless to say, Mitra was less than pleased with all of this and I have lost my powers. I think I’ll take this as a sign that I need to leave or perhaps to stop associating with these people openly. I think that I shall still provide guidance to these goblins and hire the others. Undoubtedly they will find another person to accompany them. I will have to consult with the other paladins as to what to do.

the regrettable case of the blackwater incident of 1910

This was written for the program a play in a day. I wrote it all during the hours of 1:00 am to 4:00 am. Enjoy.

Characters

Detective Praxiteles - Has trenchcoat on, along with pizza hat

Maceachthighearna or Ahern the Animal - has a horse mask, wields the rubber chicken

Dunstan Krall - Renaissance hat with mini top hat on top of that, sparkly jacket. has the sword

Ulfric

Kenny - goggles, red scarf, has a towel

Angelica

Luisa

Corianna

Detective Miron

The Regrettable Case of the Blackwater Incident of 1910

(The detective stands alone, an old newspaper in his hands, reading about something and looking pensive. He now looks up.)

P: I remember it quite well, the massacre of Blackwater. Many people died that day at the hands of Ahern the Animal. The crime scenes I had to examine that day were (significant pause) utterly brutal to see and now murders similar to the one that I face so long ago are happening again. This is terrifying. Maybe if I review the notes of that case I’ll determine something of use to current cases. Yes, that is what I shall do.

(The detective looks back at his paper.) Let’s see, it happened ten years ago. The detective pauses, pondering something. The people involved were two men named Ulfric and Dunstan, three women by the names of Angeline, Luisa, and Corianna. There was also an unidentifiable person there. How they all came to be in Blackwater is uncertain but there they were.

(As the detective says each person’s name, they move onto the stage. Kenny is the unidentifiable person and he moves onto stage behind the TARDIS towel. Kenny moves from behind TARDIS towel and throws it away. Everyone looks confused at Kenny.)

K: Oh hello there strangers. How are you all doing on this… (Kenny looks around, getting his bearings.) on this fine morning? ( a chorus of everyone saying quite well greets his question as Kenny looks around again.) Where exactly am I?

D: You are on the road to Blackwater in Ireland sir. Now either move or come with us, it matters not.

(Dunstan walks on with all the arrogance in the world as Kenny moves aside. Kenny steals the mini top hat as well. Dunstan does not respond to this. Angeline approaches Kenny.)

A: Oh do join us sir. It isn’t safe to be on these roads alone. They say Ahern the Animal is loose again in these parts.

K: Ahern the Animal? Who is that? (The group walks back and forth twice with Dunstan in the lead.)

L: A scary criminal. He’s been arrested three times but keeps escaping because of what he is.

D: (Derisive snort.) Nonsense, he is but a man and a rather lowly man at that. Why, if I should come across him I would set him straight with a boxing of the ears.

(Everyone on stages freezes as the Detective starts to talk again.)

P: Ah yes, the first killing. Clearly Ahern killed the Lord Dunstan first so that the rest of the group would be denied his courageous leadership.

(Everyone moves back into action. Ahern with horse mask on appears and everyone freezes again, this time in a panic. Ahern attacks Dunstan and Ulfric screams like little girl. Everyone runs off the other way as Ahern swings the chicken with malice, knocking out Dunstan who then gets dragged off.)

C: Look, a conveniently located house! Let’s take shelter there!

(The group looks in the direction that Corianne is pointing and then stops, frozen once more.)

P: The farmhouse that they took shelter at. The owners demolished it after what happened and moved away.

L: (After knocking on an imaginary door Luisa opens it. Rest of group looking around nervously) Looks like nobody is here right now. Quick, everyone look for weapons.

(Three large crayons, the snap bracelet, the ping pong paddles, and pinecones are found. The three crayons go to the ladies, the snap bracelet to Ulfric, and the paddles and pinecones to Kenny.)

L: Angelica, Blackwater knew we were due to arrive soon right?

A: Yes, we had sent word that we were due to arrive tonight. Doubtlessly they will send help soon when they realize that we haven’t arrived. Someone will certainly miss the illustrious presence that Lord Dunstan’s offers. (Much bitterness and acrimony in voice.)

U: Well, we’re doomed then. (Ulfric shakes his head.) I always knew I would die horribly in a place I hate.

K: Not to be a bother or anything but what exactly just happened? Was that a horse?

C: That was no horse! That was a were horse! One of the worse type of were to come across and we’re stuck with that thing between us and the closest sign of civilization. Ten miles of open road and nobody likely to come looking for us. Oh, we are so dead.

L:  Get down everyone, Ahern is coming by. (Everyone crouches down on one side of the stage as Ahern appears on the other side.)

K: I’m going out there to talk to him. This is ridiculous. A were horse. What will they think of next to throw at me? Were rats?

C: Are you insane? He’s killed twenty people and escaped from jail three times. He’ll just kill you out there!

K: He won’t be able to do a thing for I have a towel! Never doubt the towel! (Ulfric and the Ladies look at Kenny as if he is insane, which he probably is. Kenny stands, holding a towel aloft in the hand without the ping pong paddle, and approaches Ahern after moving through the door.) Hello sir. I couldn’t help but notice that you are attacking this group of explorers on this fine morning. I was wondering if you could tell me why that was.

AA: (Ahern takes off the horse mask, proving himself to be a man as well as a horse and smiles evilly.) Why? Now there is a question I hear a lot. Normally I hear it as the people die though. If I may be frank with you -

K: I thought your name was Ahern. Ahern the Animal?

AA: Oh, I do hate that name. It sounds so savage. As for your question, I’ll answer it if you answer one of mine.

K: Alright.

AA: I do it because I enjoy it. When you have felt the thrill of the hunt perhaps you will understand but you will never have the chance to experience that in this life. Now, why are you out here by yourself? I smell four other humans in that house. Why are they not out here with you?

K: Oh, that’s because I have a towel and they don’t. Wait, why do you hate the name Animal if you love the thrill of the hunt?

AA: (After looking around, Ahern leans in all conspiratorially like) I’ll answer that question if you tell me why exactly that towel matters?

K: The towel is the most useful tool one can have while traveling. That’s why!

AA: Ahhhh. Well, you see, I hate the addition of animal as in truth I am not a were horse. I am a were pony!

(Ahern puts on the horse mask and attacks Kenny with the chicken and bites him on shoulder/neck. Kenny falls down, clutching his towel with one hand and waving around the paddle in the other hand. He stops ten seconds later. Ahern laughs while the Ladies and Ulfric say to each other What an idiot. Kenny’s body rolls down the hill and offstage as a result.)

(Luisa mutters Good Riddance quite audibly. Ten second pause as each side sees if the other does anything. Nothing happens.)

AA: If you surrender now, I will give you a quick death that so few get when I get my hooves on them.

L: Oh please, like we would listen to you.

C: You just killed two people in front of us!

A: You know, we could use this as a chance to get one of us close to him and kill him with one of these crayons we found.

U: You’re a genius Angelica but who is going to go?

L: I’ll go.

(Holding the red crayon tightly behind her, Luisa moves towards Ahern. Ahern nods to himself and raises the chicken.)

AA: You are a smart one to do such a thing. Much smarter than your companions though I think that’s a low bar to beat.

(Ahern starts to move forward when Kenny bursts onto stage once more, the towel wrapped around his chest.)

K: BEHOLD THE POWER OF A TOWEL!!

(Kenny charges Ahern, ping pong paddle in hand, only to take a blow from the chicken that was meant for Luisa. Kenny falls once more, this time dead. Everyone freezes then.)

P: The unidentified person was the second dead. Given that he died outside the house we can only surmise that he gave his life so that the others could attempt to reach safety.

L: Okay, that’s enough of that.

(Luisa stabs Ahern with the crayon. Ahern staggers backwards and collapses to one knee. The others have moved out of the house and move towards Ahern and Luisa. Ahern grabs the red crayon and pulls it away from Luisa as Dunstan enters the stage again.)

D: Hail Ahern my master. What do you wish for me to do?

AA: Deal with these humans quickly.

(Angelica hands whatever crayon she is holding to Luisa. Luisa and Corianna stand at the front, crayons at the ready with Ulfric right behind them wondering what the hell to do with a snap bracelet. Angelica is utterly calm as she waits to see what is happening. Dunstan moves right while Ahern moves left. Dunstan swings with the sword only for Corianna to parry it and then Ulfric strikes with the slap bracelet, stinging Dunstan on the wrist. Combat happens until ladies and Ulfric die. Ahern dies as well, slain by Luisa. Dunstan surveys the bodies and then walks off.)

P: (The detective surveys the scene now, a grimace on his face.) What a mess this is. Six people dead but at least that menace Ahern is dead as well. You can clear the bodies boys! I’m done here.

(Everyone can move off stage except the detective. He stands there tapping his chin or stroking his chin or doing whatever signifies thinking for the person.) Hmmmm. Maybe it is possible to make others into were creatures! I should check the graves!

(The detective walks around and then Kenny comes out and lies down. His towel is still around him.) What horror is this! Only the unidentified man still lies here! Five were horses active in Blackwater! No wonder we are having problems! (The detective picks up the towel and then turns around to find that all the rest are now behind him. Look of horror.)

D: Good work detective, finding out that we are all still alive. I really must applaud you. (The group applauds silently. Golf clap I guess.)

P: You monster! Doing the same deeds that the person who killed you did!

(The detective charges Dunstan and his lackeys while behind him Kenny gets up. Kenny looks at the fight about to break out, goes nope, and walks out of the grave. Wielding the sword, the detective manages to kill Ulfric and Corianna before collapsing. Dunstan looks at the fallen with sorrow.)

D: Fill in the holes that the detective dug.

(Kenny staggers back on to stage clutching his chest. Everyone stares at him.)

K: They’re everywhere man. Game over. Game over man. (Kenny falls dead once more.)

(Dunstan, Luisa, and Angelica all fall dead, shot from somewhere. Whoever plays Ahern walks on stage in a trenchcoat as Detective Miron and helps Detective Praxiteles to his feet.)

DM: Good job Detective Praxiteles! With your help we’ve caught the murders! Are you feeling okay?

P: Yes, yes. Just a small bite. I’ll get a doctor to check it out later. I need some rest now. This whole affair has been harrowing.

DM: Of course, of course! I’ll handle things from here. Go get some rest. You do look quite tired.